


Sing Me To Sleep

by Oriharder



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Buried Alive, Burning to death, Claustrophobia, Drowning, Falling from Heights, Fear of Death, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Paranoia, suffocation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-04-07 05:21:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 16,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4250880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oriharder/pseuds/Oriharder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya suffers from terrible nightmares</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Additional tags and more characters might be added later on

_He looked around the seemingly empty room. The floor and the walls were pitch black, making them look like black holes, ready to suck him in and keep him in eternal darkness if he got too close._

  
_The walls seemed so far away, yet close enough to make him feel claustrophobic. It was like they were coming closer, taking more and more of his oxygen and increasing the heat._  
_Beads of sweat rolled down his face and his mind screamed at him: ‘Run. Get out of here. You have to run. Run. Run. Run.’_

  
_He tried not to panic but his vision was blurring and his mouth was dry, making him to swallow for saliva desperately._  
_A silent scream fell from his lips, but was quickly replaced with panicked gasping for air._

_His eyes burned with tears._ _What had caused them? The lack of oxygen? Or maybe fear?_

  
_He wanted to kick the walls and scream. Scream until someone heard him and came to save him, but the walls seemed to be coming closer and closer with every second that passed._  
_‘Hurry. Hurry. Run. Hurry.’_

  
_When his eyes kept scanning the room for a way out, he spotted a white door in the corner._  
_‘Was this there before?’_

  
_He took small, careful steps towards it, turning around every now and then, to make sure there was nothing there._  
_He couldn’t help but feel like he was being watched._

  
_Now he didn’t even notice how close the walls were. All he saw was the door in front of him._  
_‘Freedom. The door. Open it. Freedom. Freedom.’_

  
_When he finally reached it, his hands began shaking and he was suddenly very aware of his heart hammering violently against his chest._  
_He felt lightheaded and wiped his sweaty palms on his pants._

  
_Just when he reached the door, a black claw wrapped around his wrist and stopped him from moving. His entire body shook with fear when he heard heavy breathing next to his right ear._  
_Another claw wrapped around his chest, making it even harder for him to breathe._

  
_He wanted to turn his head and look at the creature that was keeping him from leaving, but a painfully loud hiss numbed his entire body as it rang through his head._

 

* * *

 

  
Izaya looked at the plastic bag in his hand as he continued his way through Ikebukuro. His legs felt tired from walking all day and his eyelids were heavy, but he kept blinking the tiredness away.

  
The cool air felt good against his skin, but it seemed to make him want to sleep even more. Izaya stopped with a heavy sigh and turned his face towards the night sky.  
The bright city lights made it seem like there were no stars there at all.

A smile found his lips when he remembered how he used to sit and gaze at the stars from outside the city with his sisters when he was younger.  
A very familiar deep voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

  
“Izaaayaaa-kuuuun!” Izaya turned his head towards the blond man, who was walking towards him with clenched fists and heavy steps. He looked ready to kill him with his bare hands.  
“Oh, hello, Shizu-chan. Long time no see. What brings you here on this beautiful evening?”

  
“That’s what I should be asking. I thought I told you that I don’t want to see your stupid face around here anymore.” Izaya smirked playfully.

  
“That’s too bad, because I missed seeing yours. Did Shizu-chan not miss me at all?” Izaya held his chest and pouted, a satisfied grin replacing the pout when Shizuo’s fists twitched.  
When the taller man stopped in front of Izaya, his eyes fell on the plastic bag. He frowned and eyed it suspiciously.

  
“What’s in that?” His voice was deep and demanding. When Izaya made no move to show him, Shizuo simply reached out and grabbed it from the small, pale hand.

  
Izaya’s eyes widened in panic when he realized what had just happened. He reached out in attempt to get the bag back, but Shizuo raised it above his head, where Izaya couldn’t reach, and took out the small packet that was inside.

  
He moved it a little closer to his face and squinted as he read the label.

  
“Antidepressants? What the fuck, flea?” Shizuo looked down at Izaya, who had his gaze lowered to the ground.

  
“What are you planning to use these for? These aren’t for you, right?” Instead of answering him, the smaller man jumped to reach the packet, but Shizuo held it up higher.  
“Answer me.”

  
“I don’t have to tell you shit. Now give them back and quit sticking your filthy nose into someone else’s business.” Shizuo just stared. He had never seen Izaya so angry.

  
“Shizuo.” The use of his actual name instead of the annoying nickname made his frown grow deeper. He couldn’t help but wonder why Izaya had lost his cool like that.

  
Even though Shizuo knew that he was by far stronger than Izaya, and there was no chance the smaller man could seriously hurt him, he obeyed and handed the packet back.  
Izaya immediately gripped it tightly and turned to leave without another word.

Shizuo was tempted to follow him and find out what he was planning, but decided against it.

  
This wasn’t his problem. Why would he give a shit if the louse was depressed? As long as he stayed away and didn’t cause any trouble, Shizuo couldn’t care less.

Right…?


	2. Chapter 2

Izaya sat on his bed, the silence of the night making him feel nervous. He held the small packet of antidepressants tightly in his hand as he tried to read what it said, but he was shaking too much and his eyes wouldn’t focus due to his lack of sleep.

He put the packet on his night table and opened his other hand, revealing two little pills that sat innocently in his palm.

He reached for the glass of water next to the packet on the table and took a deep breath, before carefully placing the pills on his tongue and bringing the glass up to his mouth.

A few big gulps and they were gone. Izaya had been told that it would take a while for them to show effect. He yawned softly, his tiredness taking over him. His hands reached up to rub his eyes. He didn’t want to sleep, because he knew what would happen if he did.

So he tried to stay awake for as long as he possibly could. But Izaya knew there was no escape and he would have to sleep sooner or later. Staying awake was getting harder and started feeling more and more like torture.

Soon enough, Izaya felt his body and mind slowly giving in and allowing sleep to take over him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_He was holding his breath. His surroundings were black and his vision blurry. He raised a hand and held it in front of his face, but he could barely make it out in the darkness._

_Something seemed to be caressing his body. It felt cool against his skin and made him relax his muscles. Until he suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. He opened his mouth and tried to inhale, but his lungs started burning and a few small bubbles escaped his mouth. That was when he realized he was underwater._

_He looked around, trying to see where the surface was, but he couldn’t tell where he was and the lack of oxygen started making him more and more nervous. He had to get out, and fast. His lungs were still burning from the water he had breathed in and the need to cough started growing._

_He moved his arms and legs wildly, but he had no idea if he was moving from the spot at all. His heart was beating furiously and he felt his entire body pulsating._

_A small, helpless sound fell from his lips, only to be swallowed by the water. Violent coughs started shaking through him causing him to start gasping for air. But all he got was another mouthful of water that burned his lungs more. His coughs grew weaker and his consciousness began to fade, just as he spotted a shine of light coming from above him._

_He tried to move his limbs to get to the light, where the surface was. But his body wouldn’t obey him anymore. A black claw reached out from the darkness underneath him and gripped his neck tightly, just to pull him back down. He could hear the distant sound of waves._

_A loud hiss rang through his head._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Izaya coughed violently, holding his chest with one hand and his neck with the other. He was covered in sweat that made his dark hair stick to his forehead and his clothes rest uncomfortably against his body.

Another nightmare.

Still panting, he glanced over at his phone on the night table. His shaky hand reached out to tap it carefully and he leaned a little closer when the screen lit up and showed him the time. Almost four in the morning. That meant he had only slept for about two hours. But it was enough for now. His body had already gotten used to his lack of sleep, although he did feel the effects that it had on him.

Constant tiredness, shaky hands, trouble concentrating and focusing his eyes, anxiety, depression, and sometimes hallucinations.

Izaya knew he wouldn’t last much longer if he kept this up, but his fear of sleeping and having to dream again was stronger. To make his situation worse, now Shizuo had seen his pills. He remembered that disgusting expression on the brute’s face when they had made eye contact. Pity. That was something Izaya did not need, especially not from Heiwajima Shizuo.

But he had to admit that he was both, surprised and confused by it. Why would Shizuo pity him? Why not mock him or use that weakness against him?

Then again, Izaya had better things to do than trying to figure out how a monster’s mind worked. He’d already wasted too much time trying to do so.

Izaya got out of bed with a shaky sigh. He walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, turning the light on.

He needed a coffee to prepare himself for another long day.


	3. Chapter 3

“Izaya!” Namie’s voice made him jump.

Izaya looked at his laptop, which sat on his desk in front of him, and then at his secretary, who was frowning deeply at him when she saw his face.

“What’s up with you? I called your name at least ten times.” Izaya raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What, you mean just now? I didn’t hear anything.”

“You’ve been acting weird for a while now. Have you been sleeping enough?” Izaya grinned. “Could it be? Is Namie-chan worried about my well being?” Namie glared.

“Call me that one more time and I’ll help you sleep so well, you won’t be waking up again.” “You wound me, Namie.” Izaya held his heart in fake-hurt.

“I’m fine, though. You must have been imagining it.” To prove his point, Izaya stood up from his chair, only to fall to his knees as his head started spinning. He barely noticed Namie kneeling beside him and trying to help him up. “I must have a very colourful imagination, then.”

When Izaya felt a little better, he noticed Namie staring at his neck and shaking her head. “Got into another fight?” Izaya brought his hand up to his neck, only to flinch when the touch hurt him. But he couldn’t recall any recent incidents involving him hurting his neck.

He stepped away from Namie and towards the bathroom, where he stopped and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Izaya gasped.

Purple marks covered his neck, like someone had tried to strangle him. He leaned a little closer to see them better. And that was when he remembered last night’s dream.

His eyes widened in shock. Those marks were caused by the claw from his dreams.

“Izaya, are you sure you’re okay? Maybe you should rest a little, you look paler than usual.” Izaya didn’t reply, he just walked past her and towards the front door, grabbing his coat and knife on the way out.

“I’m going for a walk, take the rest of the day off.” And with that, he was gone.

 

* * *

 

 

Izaya walked for a long time. He walked until his legs started to hurt, letting him know that he would have to sit down soon. He took a deep breath. Those marks couldn’t have been a hallucination, Namie had seen them too. But what had caused them? There was no way his dream could have caused him actual physical harm.

Maybe he was still dreaming. Izaya laughed humourlessly. Had he really reached the point where he couldn’t tell dreams and reality apart anymore?

Izaya’s legs began to shake. He frowned and sighed softly before looking around. There was a bench not too far from him.

He decided that it would be best if he sat down and rested until his legs were strong enough to carry him back to his apartment.

As soon as he sat down, he noticed how nice the cool the wind felt against his hot, sweaty skin. Izaya felt a little lightheaded, but he assumed it was simply because he had been walking for so long without a break. But after a while, coughs began shaking his body violently and the wind suddenly felt way too cold. “I’m not getting sick, am I?” He laughed at that.

Izaya rarely got sick, but when he did, it was twice as bad as it would normally be.

Izaya sat for a while with face towards the sky as he watched the clouds move above him. A small, tired smile formed on his lips and his eyelids felt heavier than before.

 

_But then something tightened around his ankle and started pulling hard, almost causing him to fall off of the bench. He looked around but saw nothing. Until his eyes landed on a big, black claw that reached out from underneath the bench._

_It kept holding his ankle tightly, not seeming to be planning on letting go. Izaya shut his eyes and screamed when he felt his skin rip and a bone crack._

 

When he opened his eyes again and looked down, the claw was gone. Two girls walked past him and giggled loudly, whispering and turning around to look at him every now and then.

Izaya realized he must have fallen asleep for a moment and it had been a dream, which also meant that he had screamed out loud at nothing. He blushed and slapped his forehead.

But when he looked down at his ankle again, he noticed a new, clean cut around it and blood leaking from it. Izaya wondered for how long he had actually been asleep and how many people had seen him. More importantly, he wondered what they had seen.

With a heavy sigh, Izaya stood up shakily, ignoring the numbness in his legs, and started walking again. He just wanted to go home.

He needed to be alone for a while to figure out what was happening to him and why.


	4. Chapter 4

_The first thing he noticed was that it was hot. So hot that it felt like every breath he took burned a new hole through his lungs. His face was wet with sweat and he was surrounded by tall flames that seemed to be getting closer._

_He pulled his legs up to his chest in attempt to escape the fire._

_He wanted to look around and see where he was, if there was anyone there to save him, but the smoke burned in his eyes, making it too hard for him to keep them open._

_One hand grabbed his shirt and pulled it up to cover his mouth and nose._

_Breathing through the hot fabric wasn’t much easier, but knowing that he wasn’t inhaling the smoke directly was enough to calm him down a little._

_His head was spinning and he felt sick. Beads of sweat rolled down his face and his skin felt wet and slippery._

_The lack of liquid inside his body made him nervous, so he began swallowing his saliva faster. But it didn’t take long for his mouth and throat to feel dry and itchy._

_His heart started beating faster and his breaths came out shorter and quicker._

_He couldn’t tell how close the flames had come, but the heat made it seem like the air around him was already on fire. Suddenly his eyelids felt way too heavy and his body slumped to the ground completely._

_From where he was, the fire seemed to be far away and he almost dared to allow hope to come back to him. But that thought was destroyed when a big, black claw reached out from inside the flames and grabbed him by the wrist._

_He turned his head towards it. And there it was. He couldn’t see it clearly, but he could make out its silhouette for the first time._

_And it was tall. Way taller than he had expected. It seemed to be crouching on the ground, with only one strong claw reaching out. And then it began pulling him closer._

_The thought of fighting crossed his mind, but it didn’t stay long. He had no chance; his body and mind were both too weak for something like this._

_He finally gave in, closing his eyes slowly and waiting for something to happen. Soon, he felt the flames burn his hand and the pain made him whimper weakly. He almost didn’t notice the tears that fell from his eyes and mixed with the sweat, and even the pain of the burns seemed to fade._

_The only thing he heard clearly was the loud hiss that rang painfully through his head._

 

* * *

 

 

Izaya coughed painfully, one hand on his chest and the other next to him on the bed. It burned. His left hand and his lungs felt like they were on fire.

And when he finally managed to stop coughing and glanced over to his left side, he saw huge burn marks covering his hand and wrist. Izaya pulled his hand close to his chest and held it there protectively. It had happened again.

He coughed once more before sitting up and turning the lamp on his bedside table on. When the light fell on his hand, he leaned in a little to see his injuries better.

Izaya moved his right hand and carefully ran a thumb over the damaged flesh, only to hiss in pain and pull back when the pain got too much.

So it was real.

Suddenly Izaya felt like he was being watched. His eyes roamed around the room, but there was nothing there.

“I was already scared enough of sleeping, and now you cause me actual physical pain? Don’t you think I was suffering enough from just the constant lack of sleep? What the hell do you want from me?”

There was no reply. Izaya ran his healthy hand through his hair. Was he actually going crazy now?

He let out a shaky breath and his eyes fell on the bedroom door. He frowned when he realized he was too scared to get up and see if there was anything waiting on the other side of it.

Izaya’s eyes landed on his phone. He hesitated for a moment, but ended up grabbing and unlocking it, immediately looking up Namie’s number.

His finger hovered above the ‘call’ button for a moment, before he decided that maybe four in the morning was not an appropriate time to call someone. So he typed a short text message instead, letting her know that he was giving her the day off.

Izaya put his phone back with a long sigh.

 

* * *

 

 

It was about six hours later when he started to regret his decision.

He still hadn’t left his bedroom because he was too scared to open the god damn door. But Izaya was beginning to feel thirsty and he needed the bathroom.

It was probably about the thirty-seventh time that he thought about the way there, when he finally decided that he had to leave the bedroom.

Izaya got up slowly and just stood next to his bed for a moment, before he took the first small steps towards the door. The silence made him nervous and he was suddenly very aware of how fast his heart was beating.

And then he reached out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that I haven't updated this fic in a month oops.  
> I was in Italy for two weeks, had to study a lot and then had no internet at home either.  
> I'll try to update more often now oh yay!

Izaya opened the door slowly, making sure to check all directions for anything unusual.

When he saw that there was nothing there, he took a few small and careful steps out of his bedroom.

The only thing he could hear was his own quick breathing and his heart, which was beating furiously inside his chest.

His fingers were numb and his palms sweaty, he felt like he was being watched and suddenly the room seemed to be way too hot.

Izaya swallowed thickly. He began chewing his bottom lip nervously as he turned around the first corner. After stopping and checking the hallway, he decided that it was safe to move on.

With a few more careful steps, Izaya finally reached the bathroom door. He opened it, slipped into the room as fast as he could and slammed it shut again. Leaning against the door, he allowed himself to breathe a little louder and close his eyes in relief for a moment.

Izaya put his hand on his chest as he tried to calm down a little. He finished his business as quickly as possible so he could go back to the safety of his bedroom. But his throat was so dry; he needed a glass of water.

When he thought about all the things that could happen to him on the way to the kitchen, he quickly decided that it wasn’t safe, so he leaned down and drank from the faucet in the bathroom instead.

He tasted the first mouthful and almost didn’t want to stop drinking. The cold water felt so good on his tongue.

And suddenly loud crash that came from another room made him jump.

The fear came back to him immediately, numbing his body once more and making his chest tingle. Part of him was curious and wanted to go see what had caused the noise, but the situation reminded him of all those bad horror movies, where the character that went to check for killers always ended up dying.

Izaya backed into the corner and tried to focus on the situation. Where could he go? Should he leave the apartment? What if the cause of the noise was already in front of the bathroom door? Maybe he would be able to grab his knife on his way to the front door. But would that even be enough to protect him from whatever was out there? Maybe it would follow him.

He let the back of his head rest against the cool wall and swore silently. He would have to try.

Orihara Izaya would not let anyone or anything control him like that!

He stepped away from the wall and took a deep breath, before reaching out, grabbing the doorknob and opening the door quickly. Izaya looked around carefully. It seemed to be safe.

He hurried towards the living room, stopping at the corner and leaning around it slightly, so he could see if there was anything there.

Nothing.

Izaya went to get his knife and his coat as quietly as he could. And then he ran.

The loud crash, which now sounded like it was right behind him, made him jump and pick up his speed. He slammed the door shut as soon as he was outside and ran down the stairs. He kept running as fast as he could, not stopping even when his legs started aching and his lungs felt like they were on fire.

When he finally stopped, Izaya leaned against a wall and closed his eyes as he tried to catch his breath. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes again and scanned the area.

A walk to Ikebukuro would take him about half an hour from where he was. He shook his head. He was too tired and most likely wouldn’t make it, so he decided to take the train instead.

 

* * *

 

 

The train ride had felt like it had taken hours.

Izaya had spent most of it trying to stay awake, so he wouldn’t have to see the creature again. He had thought about the hissing, which he heard every time just before waking up. It sent shivers down his spine.

He was now walking through the city, quietly looking around for anything that could distract him from the terrible anxiety that made his stomach hurt. There was a painful sadness that made his chest ache and he remembered that he hadn’t taken any pills last night.

Izaya let out a weak sigh as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his coat. He lowered his gaze to the ground.

Usually, he would have found some kind of distraction by now, but he just didn’t feel like watching anyone and observing his humans. If anything, he was annoyed by them.

Those lucky bastards had no idea what he was going through. They just lived their nice little lives, complaining about small things. They were so ignorant.

Izaya shook his head. Was he starting to get bored of his humans? How could this be? Maybe it was just the lack of sleep and the constant stress that finally got to him.

Izaya looked down at his injured hand and frowned deeply when he saw the burns again. He spread his fingers carefully, flinching when it started to hurt.

It hadn’t just been a dream. It couldn’t have been. Dreams couldn’t cause him physical harm. Izaya had to tell someone about what had happened, but who would believe him? They would think he was crazy!

His healthy hand reached up to his neck and touched it carefully, the thumb tracing the slightly faded but still visible bruises on it. Would the wounds be enough to prove that he was telling the truth?

Namie didn’t care. Maybe Shinra? No, he probably wouldn’t care either.

Izaya tried to come up with more people, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized how lonely he really was. He shook his head. There was no time to be sad.

Maybe it really was best if he kept it to himself.

A sudden wave of dizziness made Izaya stumble a little. He closed his eyes and pressed his uninjured hand to his forehead, just to find that it was covered in sweat. His throat was dry and a few coughs shook his body painfully.

And if the situation wasn’t bad enough already, a certain blond spotted him and started walking towards him angrily.


	6. Chapter 6

To Izaya’s surprise, Shizuo stopped right in front of him without punching him in the face. The smaller man looked up hesitantly, struggling to keep his eyes open.

Shizuo looked down at him with a deep frown on his face.

“Oi, flea. What’s up with you? You look like a ghost or something.” Izaya opened his mouth to reply, but a sudden pain spread in his head and stopped him.

Of course it had to happen now, in the middle of the city, and right in front of Shizuo. And to make it even worse, Izaya was suddenly very aware that he was losing his balance.

It felt like he was falling in slow motion, everything was spinning and he felt nauseous. The noise around him began to sound distant.

Someone was shouting, but Izaya couldn’t tell what they were saying.

His eyes slipped shut, but his body never hit the ground.

 

* * *

 

 

When Izaya opened his eyes again slowly and looked around, he found himself in a small room.

The next thing he noticed was that it was so comfortably warm and soft. A familiar scent was in the air.

It was somehow comforting.

And then the memories started coming back to him. He had been walking through Ikebukuro and then Shizuo… Shizuo!

Izaya sat up quickly, regretting his movements immediately as his head started spinning. He closed his eyes for a moment and massaged his temples.

The scent was Shizuo’s, there was no doubt about it now. So it was his home.

But why had the brute taken him home with him? And why was he letting him sleep in his bed?

“Well, look who’s finally awake.” The sudden noise made Izaya jump. He looked up at the man who was walking towards the bed and eyeing him carefully.

“S-Shizu-chan…?” Izaya wanted to smack himself for sounding so weak and helpless.

“So what happened?” Shizuo crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. The other didn’t say anything, he simply stared.

When Shizuo realized that he wasn’t going to get an answer, he sighed and sat down on the bed, causing Izaya to flinch.

After a moment of silence, Izaya cleared his throat. “Why did you bring me here?” His voice was hesitant and quiet. Shizuo shrugged.

“I’ll answer that if you tell me what happened to you.” Izaya shook his head.

“It’s none of your business.”

“Seriously? I’m the one who carried you here, you damn louse! At least show some gratitude!”

“Well, Shizu-chan, I didn’t ask for your help. You decided to act the way you did, so don’t make it look like I wanted you to.” If Shizuo was annoyed, he didn’t show it, as he simply ignored the comment.

“Well, you have a fever. I assume that’s why you fainted. But I know you, and you take good care of yourself. Since when would you walk around the city with a fever like that? And what the hell did you do to your hand? Are those burns?” Izaya glared at him.

“Look, I know your little brain is a little slow, but it really isn’t that hard to understand what I just told you. Listen carefully, I’ll say it one more time.” Izaya leaned a little closer and looked into Shizuo’s eyes.

“It is none of your damn business what happened and why it happened. You say you know me? Well, I have news for you, Shizu-chan. You don’t know anything about me, so quit pretending like you do. My injuries don’t concern you. Just leave me the hell alone. What are you, a stalker?”

“It’s funny that it’s you saying this. How many people do you spy on? You watch people’s lives like a reality TV show!”

“That’s because I’m an informant, you stupid protozoan. It’s my job to collect and sell information about individuals.”

“Is it also part of your job to follow them around and provoke them until they chase you around? Or do you just do that with me, you sick flea. You want my attention so bad, don’t you? Well, now you have it, so stop acting like a brat and tell me what the fuck your problem is.” Izaya was left speechless.

The more he tried to find an answer, any way to explain his actions, the more he realized that Shizuo was right. Following him around was not part of his job, he simply enjoyed the attention. And he didn’t just want anyone’s attention, it had to be Shizuo’s. It was always about Shizuo.

“What good would it do me to tell you, anyway? You wouldn’t believe me, so what’s the point?”

“Well, what’s the point in getting my attention if you don’t even know what to do with it?” Izaya hesitated for a moment, and then sighed in defeat.

“I honestly don’t know.” Shizuo raised an eyebrow.

“I think this might just be the first time I ever hear you say you don’t know something.”

“Well, shit, Shizuo! I can’t know everything!” The brute’s satisfied grin only made him angrier.

Izaya’s left hand reached out to hit him, but Shizuo simply caught the slim wrist and held it firmly.

Izaya cried out at the pressure on the burns, causing Shizuo to let go immediately.

“Shit, I’m sorry!” All he got in return was another glare as Izaya moved the blanket back and got up carefully.

“What do you think you’re doing, flea?”

“What does it look like? I’m going home.”

“You can’t! You literally fainted in the middle of the street earlier!” Izaya ignored him and simply made his way towards the door.

“Tch, fine. Do what you want.”

And even when Izaya stepped out of the apartment, Shizuo made no move to stop him.


	7. Chapter 7

Izaya cursed silently as he made his way through one of Ikebukuro’s many alleys.

He reached for the phone in the pocket of his coat and looked down at the bright numbers on the screen.

Three in the morning.

He had been out for several hours. Shizuo easily could have taken advantage of his vulnerability, so why hadn’t he? Why had he waited patiently for Izaya to wake up and then asked about what had happened?

It had almost sounded like he cared. Izaya laughed bitterly and clenched his fists.

Why did the brute always have to be so unpredictable? Did he know how much it was annoying Izaya? He almost wondered if that was the reason why Shizuo was doing it in the first place, but that couldn’t be it, could it?

He was simply not clever enough to come up with something like that.

So why was it that he still managed to make Izaya’s blood boil when no one else did?

The raven stopped.

If he decided to walk home now, it would definitely take too long. Maybe he could just stay in Ikebukuro and wait for the sun to rise again. He wouldn’t need to sleep since he’d been unconscious for at least a couple of hours.

Suddenly, a familiar feeling spread in Izaya’s chest. It was like he couldn’t breathe and his heart was pounding.

A reminder that he had forgotten to take his antidepressants.

Izaya barely had time to finish the thought when he felt a lump in his throat and his eyes began to burn. He laughed humourlessly.

“I’m not going to cry, am I? When did I get this weak?” Izaya wiped at his eyes furiously.

He definitely didn’t feel like walking all the way back to Shinjuku now.

Taking a deep breath, he started creating a mental list of people who might let him stay with them for the night. But the only two places he could come up with were Shinra and Celty’s apartment and Shizuo’s.

Izaya shook his head and frowned.

Why was he considering staying at Shizuo’s place? How pathetic.

Quiet giggles fell from his lips and soon turned into soft chuckles. And then Izaya was laughing loudly, throwing his head back in amusement.

A tear came rolling down his cheek and it didn’t take long for more to follow.

Izaya’s shoulders shook and his laughter turned into sobbing. He didn’t even try to hold back as he faced the night sky and started to cry loudly.

He fell to his knees and brought his hands up to his face. The whimpers faded away before anyone could hear them.

_It’s not like they would care anyway._

Izaya put a hand on his chest and held the fabric of his shirt tightly, as if it could stop the pain somehow. But it only seemed to get worse.

So he sat on the cold ground of the empty alley and cried until he was too weak to continue and his body finally slumped down completely.

 

 

 

Hours passed and the sun was rising, shining down on Izaya almost mockingly.

He hadn’t slept, not even for a second.

Thinking back at the previous day when he had fainted and Shizuo had brought him back to his apartment, realization hit him hard and he rolled onto his back. Even though he had practically been asleep, for the first time in weeks, no nightmares had haunted him.

Ruby eyes widened and sparkled with hope. That meant there had to be some way to stop them. He just needed to find out how.

Izaya coughed weakly.

Lying on the ground outside all night must have worsened his fever. He thought about his situation for a while and decided that he needed to go and see Shinra. But no matter how much he tried to get up, his limbs didn’t seem to want to move.

“Damn it, body. Do you want me to die here or what?” Izaya sighed loudly.

He stopped trying and gave up, but a forced smile still found his lips.

“Looks like all it took to defeat me was a mere fever. How very embarrassing and disappointing.”

His eyelids dropped and his consciousness seemed to finally fade, but his smile never fell.

 

 

 

_He stood on top of a tall building, looking down at the ground that seemed so far away with empty eyes._

_He wanted to step back, to get away from the danger. But something kept him where he was. His heart was racing._

**_‘Jump.’_ **

_He blinked and buried his fingernails in his sweaty palms._

_The wind blew through his hair as he leaned forwards just enough to feel like he was going to fall._

_He smiled._

_This was his decision. His alone. He could decide whether to live or to die._

_But a quiet growl made him jump._

_It was here._

_He could feel it creeping closer behind him._

_The smile fell from his lips and his eyelids dropped a little, but his gaze stayed on the ground._

_If he fell, the creature would lose. It wouldn’t get another chance to haunt and harm him. Or maybe it would follow to the afterlife?_

_He shook his head._

_He wouldn’t let it. This would be the last time it would ever get this close._

_He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and spread his arms._

_And then he was falling._

_A furious hiss came from the top of the building and rang loudly in his ears, but he tried to focus on the weightless feeling and the cold air that hit his face._

**_‘Ending your life equals giving up. You lost.’_ **

_His eyes flew open just as his face made contact with the ground._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments give me life  
> pls comment


	8. Chapter 8

 

When Izaya woke up, he was covered in sweat and breathing heavily.

He sat up quickly as his eyes began to scan the unfamiliar room.

A hospital?

He rubbed his eyes and coughed weakly. Why was he here?

Izaya’s hands moved up to massage his temples as he tried to remember what had happened. And then it came back to him.

He had fainted from his fever.

Izaya frowned. How was he here? Somebody must have found him. But how was he alive after that last dream?

Ah yes, the dream. Izaya leaned back into the warm sheets. The last thing that had happened was…

He had ended his life. So what did that mean for him now? He knew it was just a dream, but a quick glance at his burned hand reminded him that it might as well have been much, much more than just that. What if it meant that he had lost? What would happen next? Maybe it was just a warning that death was not the solution.

But then what was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to get out of this? It was like his whole life became a nightmare as he was living it in constant fear, constant depression and he couldn’t let his guard down for even a second. Who would want to live a life like that? Was it even worth living in the first place?

Izaya was snapped out of his thoughts by the sudden pain in his eyes. They felt hot and wet and when he reached up to touch his cheek, he felt the tears that were rolling down his face. More warm drops hit his hand and he began wiping them away quickly, but it was no use. Izaya couldn’t stop crying.

It didn’t take long for the first quiet sobs to fill the silence of the hospital room. The raven-haired man turned to the side and buried his head in the pillow, trying to silence his pathetic whimpers.

“Izaya?” He jumped at the sound of the voice.

Oh no. No, no, no.

Why now? Why _him_?

“Hey, are you okay?” He heard the other come closer and then suddenly the blanket was gone, leaving him completely vulnerable to Shizuo.

The blond let out a surprised gasp and Izaya could only curl up more. He closed his eyes so that he wouldn’t have to see the look that Shizuo was giving him. Izaya just didn’t want to have to see it. Whether it was disgust or pity or simply pure hatred, he couldn’t force himself to put on his usual mask that made him seem like he didn’t even care.

Because now he really did care.

The bed creaked faintly and the mattress moved slightly as Shizuo sat down next to the shaking body. He wanted to say something, anything, but he wasn’t sure if there was anything he could say right now that would help Izaya feel better, so he decided to stay quiet for now.

His hand hovered above Izaya’s head for a moment, before he lowered it hesitantly and buried the long fingers in the silky, dark hair, stroking it gently. Shizuo felt Izaya flinch and tense up for a moment, but it didn’t take long for him to relax and sigh softly.

They stayed like that for a while until ruby eyes opened and glanced up fearfully.

It was like the Izaya he knew and hated so much was gone and he was staring into the innocent, scared eyes of a complete stranger.

“I don’t want to sleep. Don’t make me sleep.” His voice was shaky and small. Shizuo shook his head and moved closer to the other’s body, just as Izaya closed his eyes again.

“Quit acting so human. You’re supposed to be my beast, so act like it….” Shizuo couldn’t get angry when he heard how broken and weak Izaya sounded.

“Your beast, huh?” A small smile formed on Shizuo’s lips.

The other man seemed to have fallen asleep already. And without thinking, Shizuo wrapped his arms around Izaya and held him close.

 

 

 

 

_He was on a wide, empty field._

_A gentle breeze blew through his hair; not cold, but comfortably cool._

_He took a deep breath and smiled as his eyes scanned his surroundings. Everything felt so peaceful, like there was nothing to worry about in the world and all his problems were forgotten, taken away by the wind._

_The sight of a shadow on the ground made him jump and gasp aloud._

_It moved, no, crawled towards him._

_His smile turned into a frown and he took a step back as the shadow got closer. It moved on its own, like it belonged to no one._

_It felt like a hallucination, but at the same time so very real._

_And then it stopped right in front of him, reaching out but moving back a little._

_It was unable to get closer._

_He watched it for a while before realizing that this meant he had won this time._

_It couldn’t touch him, couldn’t hurt him again._

_The wind got stronger for a second and he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, both, the shadow and the wind were gone._

_The field looked larger and much brighter than before._

_A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead and then he was falling._

_His hand reached out towards the blue sky. His chest felt so warm…_

_Just before his back hit the soft ground, a wide grin spread on his lips._

 

**_For the first time, he had won._ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave comments  
> comments make me happy


	9. Chapter 9

 

 

When Izaya opened his eyes again, he felt strong arms around him.

Frowning, he lifted his head to see who they belonged to. A silent gasp left his lips when Shizuo’s face was right in front of his own. But the blond didn’t move. His eyes were closed and he seemed to be asleep.

Izaya bit his lip nervously as he tried to figure out how to get out of the monster’s strong grip without waking him up. He figured that the only way to do that was by wiggling downwards, he just hoped Shizuo was not a light sleeper.

Izaya took a deep breath before he began to carefully move his body. It seemed to be working perfectly fine at first and he was almost free, until Shizuo groaned in protest and pulled the smaller body closer. The raven turned his head to be able to escape, a slight blush covering his cheeks. His face was almost between Shizuo’s legs and way too close to his…

With another quick movement, Izaya was free.

He looked away awkwardly, trying to convince himself that the heat in his cheeks was caused by the fever. He exhaled loudly and wiped beads of sweat off of his forehead, but quickly covered his mouth and glanced down at Shizuo anxiously. He was still asleep. Good.

Izaya stood up and went to grab his coat. He checked the pockets to see if everything was still there, before nodding to himself and tiptoeing towards the window. He opened it and climbed out as quietly as he possibly could. It wasn’t too high up, so it didn’t take much time and effort.

Home, he decided when he finally reached the ground and started walking slowly.

What the hell had he been thinking? He had let his mask slip in front of Shizuo. And not just that; he had also let him sleep in the same bed as him. Izaya could just hope that the beast was too stupid to realize that something was wrong.

He could not show weakness again, so the two possibilities he had were to either keep annoying him the way he used to before the nightmares had started, or to avoid him completely. But then the idiot would notice something was off and he would most likely go to visit Izaya’s apartment like he had so many times before.

So should Izaya just try to act like nothing had happened and start more fights with Shizuo?

If he was going to do that, he would have to try and be more careful in the future, since he had already let the monster see too much of his true self.

Maybe thinking he could pretend everything was fine seemed foolish, but what else was he supposed to do? Shizuo had him cornered.

There was no way he was going to tell the beast that nightmares haunted him every night, that they scared him and hurt him, mentally and physically. He couldn’t let him know.

Izaya bit his lip. Actually…

A wide grin formed on the raven-haired male’s lips when he got an idea.

What if he told Shizuo everything and waited to see how he reacted. And depending on how he took it, Izaya could either tell him it was all just a lie to see what level of ridiculousness his stories could reach with Shizuo still believing him, or he could continue to explain what was really happening to him.

Izaya couldn’t help but laugh. He was actually going to tell someone, and not just anyone. He was desperate enough to tell Heiwajima Shizuo, the man who had been trying to kill him for years, what his biggest weakness was.

But how was he going to do this? Simply walking up to Shizuo seemed too simple, too odd. He might not believe it that way.

Izaya smirked. He could go to the brute’s apartment and wait for him to return. Then he would give him a little show. He would have to act weaker and make sure the other could see his injuries.

Izaya chuckled darkly and began skipping happily.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When Shizuo got home, the last thing he expected was to see Izaya in his apartment.

But there he was, sitting with his back against the wall, curled up in a small ball and shaking violently.

“Izaya?” The smaller body flinched, but he didn’t look up.

“What’s going on? Why did you leave earlier?” Shizuo got a little closer. There was still no reply.

“Oi, Izaya…?” The blond kneeled down in front of him, reaching out slowly and carefully so he wouldn’t scare the other man. He put one hand on his shoulder, the other slowly following, before he pulled the raven close.

For a moment, Izaya almost forgot about his plan and focused on Shizuo instead. His warmth, his touch, his scent of nicotine mixed with something sweet that could only be described as _Shizuo_.

Izaya sighed softly and relaxed his body as he buried his face in Shizuo’s shirt and accepted the comforting hug. Even when he was pulled even closer, Izaya didn’t move away, so Shizuo assumed it was okay to try and ask what was wrong.

He leaned down a little, never letting go of the raven, and ran his fingers through the silky hair.

“Do you want to talk about it?” The softness in Shizuo’s voice sent shivers down Izaya’s spine and he knew it was not going to be easy to stick to the plan.

When Shizuo held him like this, he felt like he could trust him, like he genuinely cared and Izaya could tell him anything without having to worry about it.

But this was wrong. This was Shizuo, his enemy, not someone he could trust, not someone who could fix him. And yet, here he was, about to tell him about his biggest secret.

_Focus_ , he reminded himself. He lifted his head a little to look into hazel eyes.

“Can I tell you something?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are always appreciated


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates on one evening  
> pls treat my hard work with comments

 

 

“Can I tell you something?”

…

Shizuo blinked in surprise and then nodded quickly. Izaya was looking up at him with big, glassy eyes. The expression he was wearing made him look like he was begging for help. And maybe he was. That Izaya right there was like a completely different person from the one Shizuo knew. He looked so innocent, so helpless, so cute…

“I…” There were more tears welling up in the raven’s eyes.

“It’s okay, you can tell me whenever you’re ready. I’ll wait,” Shizuo tried, but Izaya hastily shook his head, looking both desperate and frustrated at the same time.

“It’s not that I’m not ready, it’s just… This is not something I can just say straight out the way it is. This is way more complicated. I don’t even know where to start.” Shizuo ran his hands up Izaya’s back, comforting the smaller man, who sighed softly.

“Alright, so... I’ve been having dreams, I guess.” There was silence then. Izaya didn’t seem to want to say anything else for now, so Shizuo cleared his throat and stopped his hands’ movements.

“Dreams? What kind of dreams?” he asked, careful not to say anything wrong.

“W-Well, nightmares.” Izaya’s hands gripped the fabric of Shizuo’s shirt tightly. The blond nodded, hoping he was not asking too many questions for Izaya’s liking.

“What are the nightmares about?” This time, the raven didn’t say anything. He just started shaking violently in Shizuo’s arms, so the taller man held him closer in attempt to make him feel safe again. And sure enough, Izaya did relax after a moment.

“About some kind of creature. It, uh…” Izaya bit his lip and chewed on it nervously. It would be best to just show Shizuo. He lightly pushed Shizuo away a little and moved a shaky hand to his sleeve, pulling it down to reveal the burn marks on his hand and wrist. They were starting to fade a little, but they were still there and impossible to miss. Shizuo eyed the wounds for a moment.

“Okay, but I’ve seen those before, remember? When you passed out in the middle of the street, they-“ He was interrupted by Izaya shaking his head and beginning to look slightly annoyed. The smaller man’s mouth opened and closed like he was trying to say something but couldn’t find the right words.

“Izaya, did you do this to yourself?” He had to ask. Just to be sure.

“No. The creature did.”

“The one from your nightmares?” Izaya nodded, but didn’t look at Shizuo’s face to see the confused look that he just knew was there.

“So, you mean…” Izaya nodded again.

“It hurt me in my dreams and when I woke up, the injuries were actually there.” Now it was Shizuo’s mouth that opened and closed. Izaya didn’t know what kind of reaction he had expected, he really didn’t, but it certainly was not this.

Shizuo leaned in and embraced him once again, holding the small body close to his own. Did that mean he actually believed what Izaya had just told him?

“You… believe me?” Shizuo hummed in response. Was that a good thing? It wasn’t a no, but unfortunately, it wasn’t a yes either. It sounded like the blond was trying to avoid giving a straight answer. Izaya wanted to ask again. He needed clear answers, but if Shizuo wasn’t willing to give him any, there was no point in forcing him. Izaya wasn’t even sure whether he wanted to know, really.

He ended up biting his tongue and simply accepting the warm, comforting hug that Shizuo offered, even snuggling closer. He ended up falling asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

When Izaya opened his eyes again and blinked tiredly, it took him a moment to remember where he was.

There were strong arms around him, holding him close. He sighed softly at the comfortable warmth that was wrapped around him like a blanket. Izaya wiggled around a bit, trying to get comfortable, until he realized who was holding him. His eyes widened and his first instinct was to push the sleeping man away and escape, but he quickly decided against it.

When he managed to calm down, he smiled a little. He was never going to get used to being held by Shizuo. Just the idea was ridiculous enough to make him chuckle quietly. The warmth made Izaya move closer, though.

This was okay. Just for now, this was fine. It was an exception and nobody would have to find out. It was Shizuo’s fault for being so comfortable, anyway. To think that the blond had held him like this the whole time...

Izaya buried his face in the shirt that smelled so very nice and Shizuo’s arms just pulled him closer. That was when Izaya realized…

No nightmares. Again.

There had to be some sort of reason why they were getting a lot less lately. Why was it that every time Shizuo was with him while he slept, every time he was close to the blond, no nightmares haunted him? Why was his archenemy the one that made it possible for him to sleep peacefully again? Izaya sighed deeply.

Could it be that his mind was just playing tricks on him? Why did Shizuo react so calmly when he found Izaya crying in his apartment? What had happened to the old Shizuo, who couldn’t control his anger the second he spotted Izaya, his desire to kill the raven-haired man every time his name was even mentioned around him?

Where was the Shizuo he knew?

Izaya hated this. He hated not being the one to control the situation. Nothing was going his way anymore and it was truly upsetting.

At some point, Izaya began to wonder whether this was even real life anymore. What if it was an illusion? Things remained the way they always were, but at the same time everything was so very different. It was like Izaya had been taken out of his old life and placed in a completely new and different one, alone, confused and scared. His chest suddenly felt way too tight and he couldn’t breathe.

Things were changing and that terrified Izaya.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been two months i'm so sorry ugh  
> i'm not even gonna make up some excuse i just had no motivation at all  
> so here's chapter 11 and let's hope the next one will be up before march

 

 

In the end, Izaya did escape the monster’s embrace and left the small apartment to walk around the city. He needed time to think and felt too isolated inside. The cool wind felt nice as it blew gently through his hair, but it wasn’t enough to make the tightness in his chest disappear. He placed one shaky hand on it and clenched the fabric of his coat.

  
When he thought about it, nobody really cared about him, about how he felt and how he was doing. They never had. Shizuo was not an exception. He might have managed to trick Izaya for a while and make him believe that someone cared, but in the end, why would he?  
  


Out of all the people that knew Izaya, Shizuo was the one least likely to care. So why did he have to pretend he did? It could have been a lot of things, really; some weird strategy to weaken Izaya and kill him more easily or just the need to help people that the monster always seemed to feel.

  
Either way, it was disgusting. It was nothing but a lie and Izaya knew that very well now. He wasn’t going to let Shizuo see right through him any longer. He had already seen too much.

  
Izaya thought about how he had cried and begged, how weak he had been. He gripped his hair and threw his head back in frustration, making a small pained noise as he cringed. Just the thought of his pathetic sobbing made him want to throw up.

  
The raven stopped walking for a moment and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm down and stop thinking about that terrible moment of weakness. He had to focus on what was important now.

  
First of all, what would he do about the nightmares? He seemed to be okay whenever Shizuo was around. That was something he could not explain, but the information he had would have to do for now. Izaya began walking slowly again.  
  


In order to stop the nightmares, he would have to let the brute sleep by his side, but that would mean showing more weakness and it would make it easier for Shizuo to break down those thick walls that he had spent so much time building. There had to be another way.

  
Death might be an option, but he remembered the voice in his dream, _ending your life equals giving up_ , that made him wonder if it was really worth it. Sure, he could use death to escape, but he didn’t want to think about what would happen then.

  
Izaya was not one to believe in life after death, but he hadn’t been one to believe that dreams could harm you in real life either. And that was the problem; he didn’t know what to believe anymore and that made it so much harder for him to find a solution.

  
There was also the fact that Izaya was extremely scared of dying. The thought of vanishing and the world remaining the same, as if he had never existed in the first place, was something that terrified him. In that case, he had to admit that, yes, Orihara Izaya was a coward. After all, a human life could end so easily and his was no exception.

  
After so many years of watching his humans do the silliest things, such as ending their own lives, making that final decision that could never be undone, he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that was his fate, too. But Izaya had never understood why anyone would commit suicide and throw away the gift that was life. He knew that there would always be a solution, a way out that was not death.  
  


That was why he couldn’t give up now. He couldn’t let it end like this. He would live on and fight anyone and anything that was trying to take his strength. A toothy grin formed on his lips and his eyes were wide with excitement. He chuckled quietly at himself for considering something as low as suicide. He was above it. How could he have doubted that for even a second?

  
Suicide did not equal freedom, it was just a waste of a chance to ever get better. It was an instant loss, because there was always a better way. As painful as it would be, Izaya refused to give up his future for something that he would eventually get over.  
  


He raised his hand once more to put it on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. As long as it was there, he would not stop fighting.  
“Ah, so sorry, Death. It seems that my time is not over. You cannot have me just yet,” he giggled and skipped happily.  
  


When Izaya was finally back in his own apartment, he struggled to keep his eyes open. The past few days had been exhausting. He had done a whole lot of thinking, but in the end, he never came up with any way to escape the nightmares. The man stumbled into his bedroom, barely managing to get his coat off, before letting himself fall face-first into the soft bed.

  
The planning would have to wait, rest came first. Izaya moaned softly and turned his head to the side. Oh, how he had missed his bed. He let out a quiet yawn and closed his eyes. It didn’t take much longer for him to fall asleep.

 

 

 

_He found himself in a deep hole. There wasn’t much space around him, but lots of dirt and a bright light above him. He tried to move his limbs in attempt to get up somehow. He had to escape and survive, but his body didn’t obey him. He couldn’t feel it at all. He could move his head just fine, though, and carefully looked around in the hole. His eyes landed on a small object that looked like it used to be white, but was now covered in dirt and must have been there for a while. There were more of them everywhere around him._

  
_He stared at a particularly large piece until he finally realized what he was looking at. Bones. There were so many of them and the thought that he was now in the hole where whoever they belonged to had died made his eyes widen in panic._

  
_He squinted at the walls and frowned. It looked like he could easily climb up to the surface, but no matter how much he tried, he still couldn’t move. He concluded that this was how the others had died in here. He had to take a deep breath to calm down; losing himself in his panic would only make his situation worse._

  
_It probably wouldn’t be much of a problem to get out if only he could move, so he started with small steps, focusing on his fingers first and trying to lift them. He gave up after several failed attempts. It felt like he was trapped inside his own body with no way to control it, so how was he going to get out of here? This couldn’t be his grave. He couldn’t let it end here._

  
_A sudden hiss, louder than the one he was used to, made him freeze and slowly look up to the surface, where a dark figure appeared and stared down at him. For a moment, he feared that it might jump down and kill him, but when the first bit of dirt landed on his chest, realization hit him like a punch in the face. Now he could barely hold his panic back and he felt himself shaking._

  
_He was being buried alive, trapped by his own body and unable to put up a fight. The only thing left to do was to accept his fate. More dirt was thrown down on him and some of it hit his face. He tried not to cough so that he wouldn’t inhale any of it and closed his eyes, hoping that it would be over quickly_

_._  
_He felt something wrap around his wrist, but refused to open his eyes. It would probably be easier if he just didn’t look. A silent breath next to his ear sent shivers down his spine and a familiar voice whispered his name softly. A warm body pressed against his back as he was completely swallowed by the earth. But even then, the warmth never left and the heartbeat behind him gave him a feeling of safety. Kind words were mumbled into his ear._

  
_“I’m here. You’re not alone anymore.”_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea where i'm going with this fic ughhhh


	12. Chapter 12

 

Two weeks had passed since Izaya had told Shizuo about his nightmares. They hadn’t talked since, and Izaya was pretty sure that the Shizuo really hadn’t believed him. He wondered if he could still make the brute think that it had been nothing but a joke, a prank to test or tease him. He doubted it, though.

  
Nothing had changed about the nightmares, which left the promise that he wouldn’t have to be alone anymore mostly forgotten. The dreams continued to haunt and harm him for several nights in a row and he was lucky if he could make it without another added injury.

  
Tired eyes fell on the small white box that was placed on the bedside table. The antidepressants still weren’t working properly, which was most likely because of Izaya’s irregular schedule of taking them.

  
On some days, he just couldn’t be bothered, on others, he felt like he didn’t deserve the relief they brought and then there were those times when he wondered if he should consider it a loss, a sign of weakness, if he gave in and swallowed the pills.

  
It was a stupid way to look at it and he knew it, but that didn’t stop him from feeling the way he did. Today, though, was one of the days where the effects of the pills really seemed to show. Izaya felt invincible.

  
He was filled with energy despite the heaviness and heat that pulled his eyelids down after only a few hours of sleep that clearly had not been enough. He knew he really shouldn’t, the way his body felt weak and his legs shook told him so, but the raven-haired man decided to go out and enjoy himself for a while.

  
He had already cleaned his entire apartment in desperate attempt to get rid of at least some of his energy, but it hadn’t been enough to satisfy him. Equipped with his coat and usual weapons, Izaya made his way to Ikebukuro. The walk took quite a while, but to him, it felt like nothing at all. And so he skipped happily towards the familiar building in front of him.

  
It sure had been a pleasant surprise that he had been able to walk through the city without being rudely interrupted or attacked. Izaya shook his head with a careless smile on his lips. It would be best to just not think about it; that way, nothing could go wrong.

  
Izaya certainly enjoyed the shocked look on a certain underground doctor’s face when he opened the door moments after Izaya had knocked on it.

  
“Orihara-kun! Well, that’s a surprise!” He didn’t make a move to invite Izaya in, so the raven figured he would just do it himself. He slipped past Shinra and into the apartment.

  
“I’m just as surprised as you are! It was a spontaneous decision I made, really,” Izaya sang as he jumped onto the couch in the living room. Shinra, after closing the door, followed quietly. They sat in uncomfortable silence for a while, Izaya’s eyes seemingly analyzing the man like he had to catch up on everything he had missed since they had last met.

  
“Is this about Shizuo? He’s been acting weird lately and gets all tense whenever I mention your name in a conversation.” He eyed Izaya suspiciously, but said man just laughed and waved him off.

  
“While I’m flattered that you mention me even in my absence, let’s not talk about the monster.” He made a short break to look around the room.

  
“Speaking of monsters, where is yours?” Izaya didn’t miss the annoyed flash in Shinra’s eyes when he said it. It was amusing and he had to try hard not to giggle aloud.

  
“My beloved is out for a job at the moment. I also advise you not to call her that again, Orihara-kun. You know I won’t take it lightly if you insult my Celty.” Izaya just nodded, ignoring the way the doctor’s eyes darkened dangerously.

  
“Anyway,” he cleared his throat, “this is not what I’m here for. I was wondering; do you happen to know anything about nightmares that can bring physical harm to the person experiencing them?” Shinra looked confused for a moment before he replied.

  
“Not much, but I do know that they’re not as uncommon as one would think. Then again, I guess it depends on what kind of injuries you’re talking about.”

  
“All kinds, really. Bruises, burns, cuts…” Shinra rubbed his chin and hummed quietly in thought.

  
“I’ve heard people complain about nightmares in which they are hit with a certain object, only to wake up and find a bruise in the shape of said object in the exact place that they have been hit in the dream. There are some theories, like that the brain, while creating the images of the dream, mistakes it for a real situation and so it creates the bruise. However, that would mean that you could break your own blood vessels with nothing but your mind.” He raised an eyebrow.

  
“Burns and cuts, though? Never heard of that before. Why do you want to know? You aren’t planning on hurting someone by controlling their dreams, are you? Well, as long as you leave me and my precious Celty out of it, there’s no problem. But if you do end up finding a way, I don’t mind hearing about it. It does sound interesting.” Izaya looked sharply into Shinra’s eyes, startling the other a bit.

  
“You you saying you believe that it could work?” Shinra pushed his glasses up a little.

  
“I won’t be fully convinced until I see it myself, but I do think the possibility exists. I mean, really, how exciting would it be if it turned out to be real?” Izaya ignored his friend’s rambling and thought about his next words carefully before he said them.

  
“Listen, Shinra, I want to tell you something. But, before I can do that, you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone about this. You absolutely have to keep it a secret, you hear me?” Shinra wondered when the conversation had become this serious.

  
“I can promise not to tell anyone but Celty. I couldn’t bring myself to lie to her.” The thought about the lie concerning the Dullahan’s head crossed Izaya’s mind for a moment, but he decided to ignore it. That was a completely different matter. So he nodded and lowered his gaze to the floor.

  
Instead of talking, Izaya silently turned around and lifted his shirt to reveal his latest wound, which happened to be a long, clean cut that stretched across his back. The fact that he couldn’t see Shinra’s face made him way more nervous than he would like to admit, but he was careful not to let it show.

  
“You’re joking, right?” he heard his friend mumble quietly behind him. Izaya pulled his shirt back down and turned to face the other again.

  
“Haven’t you been wondering where I’ve been all this time? And for me to suddenly show up at your place to ask about something like this. Do you really think I would go through all this trouble for some prank? Well, if you don’t believe me, it really can’t be helped.” He made a move to get up, body already turned towards the door, when Shinra reached out to stop him. He hesitated.

  
“What do you want me to do?” Izaya blinked. Was Shinra really willing to help him? This could be his chance to finally get rid of whatever it was that controlled him and made his life harder than it had to be. He took a deep breath.

  
“Will you help me find out what’s wrong with me?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> made it before march yay


	13. Chapter 13

 

 

“I’m not cutting you open.”

  
“You said you would help!” Izaya protested and Shinra massaged his temples, letting out a long sigh.

  
“I asked if there was anything I could do. I never promised anything, though.”

  
“You have to do it! Please, Shinra, I don’t know what to do! There’s no one else I can ask.” Shinra frowned at the desperate tone in his friend’s voice.

  
It was rare for Izaya to show his emotions like that, even to Shinra. But putting Izaya’s life on the line in order to create a small chance to find out why he had those nightmares wasn’t something Shinra was too keen on.

  
Disappointment was written all over Izaya’s face when he balled his hands to fists and stood up quickly. He looked at the floor angrily.

  
“I should have known. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a solution to make up for all the precious time you just wasted.” Then he shot Shinra a sharp glare, not even giving him the time to reply, before he stormed out of the apartment and slammed the door shut behind himself.

  
Shinra knew better than to get angry. He was well aware that Izaya was someone who reacted very strongly to rejection; he always had been. There was also the loss of sleep that added to his stress.

  
“Don’t do anything stupid, Orihara-kun.”

 

 

 

 

Izaya cursed under his breath. How dare Shinra let him down in a situation like this? And right when he needed him. It wasn’t like Izaya constantly relied on him, so one favour wouldn’t be too much to ask, right?

  
“I was always there for you, idiot. You should do the same,” he hissed angrily as he continued his walk through the city. In his fury, he almost didn’t see the blond hair that stood out from the crowd. He only noticed Shizuo seconds before his head turned to look right at him, hazel eyes widening when he found the familiar face that used to make him see red.

  
Shizuo wasn’t sure what had changed, but somewhere along the way, anger had been replaced by the strong desire to keep Izaya safe. It was the flea’s fault anyway.

  
After he’d shown up at Shizuo’s apartment looking so broken and helpless, so out of character and, for once, innocent, it was only natural the blond man’s feelings would change and he would want to protect him.

  
Even to Shizuo himself, his change of mind was sudden and didn’t make much sense, but simply knowing that it was there was oddly satisfying to him.

  
No matter if Izaya had told the truth and he truly believed that his dreams were what caused him pain, or if that had been nothing but a big lie, Shizuo wanted to hold and comfort him again. He wanted to wrap his arms around the smaller man, just like he had a few weeks ago, but when he pushed through the crowed to get closer to him, Izaya seemed to have disappeared.

  
Why was he avoiding Shizuo? Had he done something wrong? Or maybe Izaya was not ready to face him after he had let his mask slip?

  
It would fit his character; always careful and never showing his true emotions, sometimes acting like he didn’t even have any at all. But now that Shizuo had been able to get a glimpse, he wanted to see it again, and even more this time.

  
He wanted to know what the other emotions were and what they would look like on Izaya’s face. He wanted to be able to read him and understand what was going on inside that complex mind of his. And maybe, while he was at it, he could try figuring out when exactly he had started thinking about Izaya so much.

  
Shizuo looked around, eyes scanning the many people that surrounded him. Even though he could feel the anger grow in his stomach, he tried hard to keep it down and focus on finding that pest now. He still owed him a proper explanation after what had happened when they had last seen each other.

  
After all, Izaya had disappeared without a warning again, leaving Shizuo alone to wonder what had happened and if maybe it had just been a dream.

  
Continuing to walk around, Shizuo found an alley that nobody else seemed to be paying attention to. Knowing Izaya, this would likely be a part of his escape route.

  
Shizuo moved quietly towards it, checking for anything unusual before actually entering. It was not too dark, but enough for someone to hide in it. When Shizuo walked a bit closer, he noticed the familiar smell that gave Izaya away.

  
It was yet another thing about him that he would always recognize. And then he saw the figure leaning against the brick wall, head turned away and seeming to face the ground.

  
The sound of Shizuo’s footsteps echoed through the alley as he got closer and when he finally stopped in front of the other man, he opened his mouth to speak.

  
“Oi, Izaya,” he tried. Said man turned his head to look at him slowly. To Shizuo’s surprise, there was no trace of fear on his face.

  
“What do you want, Shizu-chan? And make it quick, I’m not in the mood.” He said it with an annoyed roll of his eyes as he stood there with his arms crossed. Kind of cute, Shizuo thought.

  
“Well, basically…” He was suddenly very uncomfortable. He really should have thought this through, because now he had no idea how to ask about it.

  
“Let me guess. ‘Stay out of Ikebukuro, don’t get on my nerves’ and so on.” Izaya waved his hand and nodded.

  
“We’ve talked about this a thousand times, haven’t we? The city doesn’t belong to you and I certainly do have better things to do than stand here and talk to you, so if you’ll excuse me.” Shizuo raised his hand to stop him.

  
“Wait! That’s not what this is about,” he mumbled so quietly, Izaya almost didn’t catch it. The raven raised an eyebrow in confusion.

  
“Are you… Well, are you okay?” Shizuo had tried his best to sound slightly careless, but not annoyed, in order to cover up his embarrassment, but it had ended up sounding awkward instead. Izaya looked taken aback for a moment before he started laughing loudly. It sounded so fake, Shizuo pulled a face in distaste.

  
“Are you seriously asking me that? Pretending you care? Oh, Shizu-chan, please. There’s no way I would let you help me. I don’t need your protection.” It was a lie and they both knew it, but neither of them mentioned it.

  
Instead, Izaya made a move to leave, but a strong hand on his shoulder stopped him by pushing him back against the wall behind him. He could tell that Shizuo was clearly holding back, trying not to hurt Izaya.

  
Why?

  
The blond man kept his hand on Izaya’s shoulder and brought their faces dangerously close together, stopping when their foreheads were just about to touch.

  
He could feel the heat radiating from Izaya and when their eyes met, it was like the world stopped around them. Neither of them moved as they silently looked at each other.

  
Shizuo hadn’t even noticed how loud and fast his breath was, until Izaya shifted and cleared his throat, looking away to regain control of his mind again.

  
The sight of the faint blush on those pale cheeks made Shizuo lean in a little more.

  
“I want to help you, Izaya, so please let me. You’re not alone anymore,” Shizuo whispered softly. Izaya’s eyes widened at the sound of the familiar words, but he quickly snapped out of it and chuckled bitterly.

  
“Shizu-chan shouldn’t play games he knows he can’t win.” With that, he slipped out of the monsters grip and right past him, leaving the visibly disappointed man behind.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for every comment and/or kudos you've left  
> i know i don't usually reply to comments but i do read them all  
> they keep me going so i'm really grateful :)


	14. Chapter 14

 

 

Izaya rolled over in his bed again, eyes wide open in the darkness of his room. He sighed into the pillow for what felt like the millionth time, blinking away the images of what had happened earlier.  
  
It was no use. They returned to him not even a minute later, making him whine loudly.  
  
“Shizu-chan won’t even let me sleep in peace.” Izaya had decided to blame the tingling warmth in his chest and his stomach on the antidepressants. In no way he would accept that the brute was the one who caused it.  
  
He pinched the soft, pale skin of his chest, clawing at it like that would make the feeling go away. He saw it again then; the way Shizuo had cornered him and leaned closer. Close enough for Izaya to feel the warmth of the other’s body, to be intoxicated by the sweet scent.  
  
Close enough for Izaya to feel the burning desire to just lean in and….  
  
Izaya still remembered how beautiful Shizuo had looked up close. He licked his lips, suddenly very aware of the heat in his face. He shook his head and smacked his hands against his cheeks, groaning and rolling himself out of bed.  
  
Izaya hit the floor with a _thud_ and leaned with his back against the bed.  
  
“This won’t do,” he mumbled with an exhausted smile. Izaya considered taking a pill to help him sleep, but quickly decided against it. He was already depending too much on pills and medication.  
  
So what else was there to do? There was no way his mind would just let him sleep without reminding him of those embarrassing images. Maybe he could get some work done?  
  
Izaya shook his head. He was too distracted now anyway, he probably wouldn’t be able to focus. Now there was only one more thing he could think of, and maybe, just maybe, he was even desperate enough to forget his dignity and do it.  
  
He grinned, then. Yes, he was going to see Shizu-chan.  
  
And so, about half an hour later, he found himself in front of the familiar door of the brute’s apartment. However, even after knocking repeatedly, nobody had opened the door to let him in.  
  
Izaya stayed quiet for a while and pressed his ear against the door, listening. There was not a single noise coming from inside. Was the brute asleep already? The thought made Izaya angry.  
  
Why should Shizuo be allowed to sleep when he wasn’t? Unacceptable! He kicked against the door, hard enough for his foot to send pain through his body in protest. Still nothing. But Izaya had never been one to give up easily.  
  
A few more strong kicks and he could finally hear quiet footsteps and sleepy mumbling. He could make out something about ‘murder’ and some more curses that brought Izaya’s smirk back. He was suddenly very eager to see the pissed off expression on the brute’s face.  
  
But when the door was opened and Shizuo appeared with that very expression, it only lasted for about half a second before it was replaced with a mix of surprise and delight.  
  
“Izaya,” Shizuo breathed. The raven put his mask on immediately, waving awkwardly. He couldn’t show the brute his true feelings. That would make him vulnerable.  
  
Izaya looked up innocently and slightly troubled, but Shizuo just raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to say what he wanted.  
  
“Shizu-chan, please help me,” Izaya whispered pathetically. It was so degrading, it almost hurt him physically. Shizuo’s face clearly told him that he wasn’t buying it. Izaya sighed, his shoulders dropping. Of course that monster would see right through him.  
  
“Okay, you got me. Look, as much as I love being outside, it’s late and kind of cold, so could you please let me in?” He didn’t even wait for an answer; he just slipped right past Shizuo and let himself into the small apartment as the blond stuttered something from behind him and closed the door.  
  
Izaya sat down on the sofa and put his legs up, leaning back and sighing softly like it was completely normal for him to be there. He hated it, but the scent that surrounded him was so familiar and relaxing, it almost made him forget about his problems.  
  
Finally, Izaya looked at Shizuo, who had followed him quietly and was now looking into his eyes. Izaya cleared his throat.  
  
“I think you’re keeping them away,” he blurted out. It did nothing but earn him a confused look that made him sigh.  
  
“The nightmares. I told you before, didn’t I? You didn’t believe me, though.” Shizuo opened his mouth, ready to protest, but quickly closed it and looked away to escape Izaya’s gaze, confirming the statement.  
  
“That was, uh….” Izaya shook his head, effectively silencing him.  
  
“It’s fine, I get that it sounds weird. Just please hear me out. I observed the behaviour of the nightmares more closely and noticed that I only have them when you’re not around.” Shizuo smiled at that, completely surprising Izaya.  
  
It was a soft, sincere smile, one that Izaya had never received before, that Shizuo had always directed at that Senpai of his and the Russian assassin who was so obsessed with him. It had always pissed Izaya off for some reason that he couldn’t figure out. He pushed the thought away.  
  
“I feel flattered, really, but you don’t have to make up an excuse just to spend time with me, you know. If that’s what you want, I’d be happy to do it.” Izaya had to put all his energy into stopping himself from smacking his hand against his forehead. He massaged his temples instead.  
  
“No, you single celled protozoan, I’m in serious trouble. I don’t know what might happen if I don’t do something. I’m scared for my life and I’m asking you, the person who should hate me the most, for help. Don’t you realize how difficult this is for me?” He took a shaky breath.  
  
“I need medication to be able to feel at least slightly okay. Not only do I sleep peacefully when you’re around, I also find myself missing your company when you aren’t.” Shizuo took notice of the slight red colour that had appeared on Izaya’s cheeks, making him look even cuter than he already was.  
  
When the raven looked up to meet Shizuo’s gaze, Shizuo was surprised to find an unfamiliar seriousness in those bright eyes. Something told him that Izaya was not lying this time and that something really was wrong.  
  
He thought back to when he had visited the other in hospital. Izaya had acted so weak and fragile, the memories of it sent a shiver down Shizuo’s spine. He attempted to swallow down the dry feeling in his throat and nodded slowly, understanding.  
  
“So what do you want me to do?” Shizuo felt like he already knew the answer, but he needed to hear Izaya say it, to be completely sure. The raven spoke slowly and loudly, sounding almost unaffected by his own words, but the blush that still hadn’t left his face gave him away.  
  
“Let me stay with you and hold me when I sleep. Please.” The last word was barely a whisper, making Shizuo wonder if he had even actually heard it or if it had been in his imagination.  
  
It was not hard to tell that Izaya had been struggling to say it. Pride rose in Shizuo’s chest.  
  
“What changed your mind all of a sudden? You just pushed me away a few hours ago, what makes you think I still want to help you after you rejected me so coldly?” Izaya almost laughed at that. He lifted his hand and gently placed his index finger on Shizuo’s lips.  
  
“You’re smiling so big, I’m almost worried your face might get stuck like that. Honestly, you couldn’t hide your excitement if you tried.” Even at that, the smile remained and Shizuo only shrugged.  
  
“Guess you’re right. You read me like an open book.”  
  
“That’s not very hard, you know.”  
  
Ten minutes later, Shizuo was struggling. He had given Izaya some of his clothes to sleep in; a gray shirt, sleeveless, and some black boxers.  
  
The raven was currently in Shizuo’s bedroom, getting dressed. The thought of him undressing in the very room that Shizuo slept in with just a thin wooden door separating the two of them made it hard for Shizuo not to storm into the room and do things he would regret later.  
  
Shizuo’s heartbeat was too fast, his hands too sweaty and his body too warm for his own good. What did that mean? He pushed the thought away as Izaya opened the door and spread his arms, posing to show off the clothes.  
  
Shizuo could definitely get used to seeing Izaya in his clothes like that. His gaze fell to the pale flesh of bare legs and he wondered if the shorts were wide enough for him to see inside if he got on the floor between Izaya’s feet.  
  
“I take it you like to see me in your clothes? Shizu-chan is such a pervert!” The blond rolled his eyes at the teasing tone in Izaya’s voice but did not deny the words. He walked past Izaya and into the bedroom.  
  
“Come on, it’s too late for this kind of shit. Get over here if you want me to help you sleep, I’m going to bed. And you better make it up to me in the morning. You did wake me up, after all.” Shizuo got into the bed and stretched his limbs, groaning softly.  
  
Izaya followed, lying down beside him awkwardly and making sure to keep a safe distance between their bodies. Shizuo raised an eyebrow at him.  
  
“I thought you wanted me to hold you?” After a moment of hesitation and an embarrassed cough, Izaya shuffled closer and felt himself being pulled into the monster’s warm embrace. He relaxed almost immediately as he was surrounded by the sweet, comforting scent and let out a soft sigh, pressing his face into the fabric of Shizuo’s shirt.  
  
It only took a few minutes for Shizuo to notice that Izaya’s breathing had evened out. He smiled down at the raven in his arms, curled up against him.  
  
Shizuo fell asleep before he could feel the gentle kisses that were placed on his chest.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so long i'm sorry i suck at updates  
> shout out to the fappymatsu squad


	15. Chapter 15

 

 

 

Around ten in the morning of the next day, Shizuo saw it for the first time. He had woken up before Izaya and decided to get up and prepare breakfast. He definitely had not stared at Izaya’s sleeping face before that, though.

He let out a yawn, and went to get cups for the coffee he had made, when he heard quiet noises coming from his bedroom. His first thought was that Izaya had woken up and would soon walk into the kitchen with one of his usual annoying comments.

But after about five more minutes, Shizuo was still alone in the kitchen and the sounds continued, so he decided to go and check on Izaya, just to be sure everything was okay.

When Shizuo opened the bedroom door and looked inside, his eyes immediately found the other man and he understood what was going on. He had seen Kasuka like this a lot of times before, too. Izaya was having a nightmare.

He was rolling around with a pained expression on his face, way different from the faces Shizuo had seen him make before. He looked terrified and it made Shizuo wonder what could possibly make him look like this. What was it that he saw in those dreams?

His mind went back to what Izaya had told him about those nightmares.

Izaya curled up more and made protesting noises, reaching out his hand as if desperately searching for help.

Shizuo knew from experience that touching Izaya to wake him up would be a terrible idea, because he would most likely end up attacking him, unaware of where he was and what was happening. So instead of reaching out, Shizuo leaned a little closer.

He opened his mouth to quietly call out the other’s name, but was stopped when he spotted a sudden flash of purple and blue on the pale skin of the flea’s neck.

Had those bruises been there before? A shiver ran down Shizuo’s spine. Something was terribly wrong, he could feel it, but he didn’t know what it was.

He kept his eyes on Izaya, who was coughing and gagging and letting out choked whimpers like he couldn’t breathe. He noticed Izaya’s hand moving to touch something around his neck, but there was nothing there.

That was when Shizuo realized that the bruises were now darker. He rubbed at his eyes in disbelief. They were starting to look even worse, like something was causing them right at that moment. New ones appeared and Izaya was now clawing at his own skin.

Before Shizuo could do anything, the raven’s eyes snapped open and he shot up, coughing violently and gasping for air. Shizuo did not move, but cleared his throat to get Izaya’s attention.

Izaya looked up at him. His glassy eyes found Shizuo’s and he opened his mouth like he wanted to ask what Shizuo had seen, but was interrupted by another cough. He didn’t need to ask anymore.

The look on Shizuo’s face and the way he moved to sit on the bed next to him told him that he had seen enough.

Before Izaya could think of anything appropriate to say in a situation like this, he was pulled into a tight embrace. Shizuo buried his face in the crook of Izaya’s neck, lips brushing over the darkened skin as he spoke.

“What just happened?”  Izaya did not move. He just accepted how close they suddenly were and how warm he felt. What could he possibly answer? Actually, what _had_ just happened?

The last thing Izaya remembered was being locked up in a cage as two long, slim arms moved closer and black hands wrapped around his throat to choke him.

So it had been another nightmare and this time, Shizuo had seen. That meant he would finally believe him now, didn’t it?

“I told you it was real,” Izaya mumbled in an attempt to sound unaffected. He was surprised at how weak and shaky his voice sounded. He cursed inwardly.

“I had no idea, Izaya, even though you told me. I’m so sorry for not believing you,” the brute whispered against his skin, leaving something suspiciously close to a kiss on the injuries. Izaya shivered.

“I wouldn’t have believed it either. And it’s not like I’m usually an honest man, anyway.” He tried to laugh but ended up exhaling awkwardly into blond hair. It smelled so nice…

Shizuo said nothing, only tightening his grip around the other but being careful not to hurt him. The monster’s embrace surrounded Izaya with a warmth so comforting, he felt the sudden desire to curl up against his’s chest.

But then, he felt a gentle hand on his cheek, hesitant at first, but relaxing soon and making him look directly into Shizuo’s eyes.

Izaya was sure Shizuo could hear his heart racing and beating loudly as their faces were suddenly much closer than before. Close enough to feel each other’s breath against their lips.

And in the next moment, Izaya’s eyes fluttered shut and the soft warmth that was now pressing against his lips made him forget about everything that was not Shizuo.

The first kiss was short, but it was enough to make them feel overwhelmingly dizzy with desire for more. Izaya rested his forehead against Shizuo’s and they looked at each other with half-lidded eyes that soon closed again for another kiss.

It was braver than the first one. Shizuo parted his lips slightly and slid them over Izaya’s, gasping softly when he felt the raven placing his warm, trembling hands on his shoulders and pulling him closer.

Shizuo’s had found their way to Izaya’s skinny waist, where they tightened to press their hips together. Izaya’s body was stiff and still a little hesitant as he nibbled softly on Shizuo’s bottom lip.

He flinched at the quiet smack of his lips, immediately feeling the heat rise to his cheeks, but Shizuo didn’t seem to mind.

He moved his hands to the back of Izaya’s head and lowered their bodies onto the bed, pulling back for a moment despite the other’s protesting whine.

“Izaya,” he whispered against wet lips.

“Izaya. Izaya. Izaya.” The raven blushed at the shakiness in Shizuo’s voice, whimpering when he realized that he was the one who had caused it to sound like that.

He felt Shizuo smile against his lips before he was pulled into another open-mouthed kiss. One of Shizuo‘s hands remained tangled in dark, silky hair while the other moved under Izaya’s shirt.

The raven almost pulled away, but relaxed when Shizuo gently massaged his skin.

“Izaya,” Shizuo whispered once more.

“Don’t leave me. Not again.” The silence that followed made Izaya realized that the other wanted to hear him say it. Their eyes met, glazed over and distant and Izaya exhaled shakily.

“I won’t leave.” That was all Shizuo needed before he rolled over and pulled Izaya with him so that his head could rest on Shizuo’s chest. He could hear the monster’s heartbeat, fast and excited.

It almost made him laugh at how pathetically human it made him seem, but his own pounding heart stopped him. If anything, he was just as pathetic.

 

About two hours later, the sound of his phone ringing on the bedside table made Izaya jump and he realized he must have fallen asleep again. No nightmares this time, he noticed and then looked up to see Shizuo was still fast asleep with both his arm wrapped around him.

The raven slipped out of the embrace and took his phone is his hand, frowning when he read the name on the display. He considered putting the phone back down but sighed and accepted the call anyway.

He held it up to his ear and said nothing, waiting for the other to speak instead.

“Orihara-kun! I think I might have found out what it is that’s haunting your dreams,” Shinra told him excitedly as if he hadn’t rejected Izaya’s request the last time they had met.

As mad as Izaya had been, the temptation of finally learning more about the thing that was causing him so much trouble was stronger. He got up and watched as Shizuo began waking up as well and rubbed at his eyes.

“I’ll be there in a bit.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so bad at writing kisses  
> well here you go anyway, the gay is finally happening!  
> thank you so much for all the comments and kudos!


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